Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Fear Factor, Domestic Edition (03/17/11)

The King of the Realm, ever loyal provider that he be, offers up a morning cup of tepid steeped bean for the pleasure of the Queen of the Realm most mornings, unless the chariot is lagging or the serfs have not prepared a suitable meal for the breaking of the royal fast. Or perhaps, sage Ruler tha he be, he knows that small gift is a preventive measure against the random metamorphosis the Queen undergoes - from delicate flower to raving banshee in three....two....one...

And thus I wrapped my claws round the morning offering, savoring that moment when tepid steeped bean washes my palate with caffeinated delight. Taking a gulp (sippin's fer sissies) I rolled the umber treasure around in my mouth like a liquid Rollo - only to discover something firm...unlike the consistency of errant coffee grounds, my curiousity piqued - and I spat it out into my hand for further examination - only to find.....MOTHRA!

Since I lack the dining sensibilities of most common household arachnids - I was less than sated by this kamikaze winged abomination whos carcass caressed my tastebuds. Tossing both the contents and the cup in the sink - I obtained a fresh cup of morning ambrosia - and stomped off to my privy to scour my mouth with COMET...Sigh. I prefer my intake of protein to be presented in a more bovine form, thank you very much...

Knowing the prefunctory cleaning nature of the serfs, worse things may lurk in the bottom of a coffee cup - but somehow that morning moth put a damper on my chipper day. I found myself suspicious, jumpy...and a bit queasy for the duration of the morning. Today however - my coffee was occupant free, my boxed crossaint almost nuked completely through, the royal garments are on in the correct manner - and most of the ratty stuff adorning my dome is compliant, having succumbed to a healthy dose of Aqua Net, or whatever the stuff is in the happy pink bottle...

And so I face another day at the desk where my regal position in life is not recognised and I must tolerate the injustices of a ringing phone and paper that will not abate. But the weekend beckons and I am finally under a thousand hints on Ancestry. I have decided that once I hit below 500 - I will start back on a novel...any novel....and write something daily until I have a completed work. Two years is enough of a hiatus. Even elephants can produce something every two years.


I am the QUEEN of herpderpdom (03/14/11)

So friday I get up late, rush around my house like a cudless heifer and land in the passenger seat of the car, bleary eyed and wet haired. I look down and realize: "Oh my GOD...my pants are on inside out".....sigh

And that was the highlight of last week. There was the massive hormone induced headache on Saturday...and cramps...now let me explain something to you. The TAM does not DO cramps. (its about to get girly up in here...you mens may want to avert your eyes) Since I was 12 - I've been spoiled. No cramps. (less'n I eat a whole bag o beans and three fried eggs er su-um) So what on God's green earth am I doing now having girlie type cramps? A POX ON PREMENOPAUSE! Pause my ever lovin' backside. There is no "pause" unless your life becoming a train wreck is considered a pause. they should call it sanitypause. How about cessation of all joy. Stamp my forehead with FUBAR and put me in a rubber room. Oh and the palpitations had a lovely weekend - and I had a wonderful side of anxiety drizzled with a nice hot flash to wrap the weekend. I LOVE it.

While I was curled up Sunday evening under my favorite blankie, the hub said something to the effect of "maybe you're allergic to that blanket" I did what any loving spouse would do: I questioned his parentage, his species and his ability to procreate. Seemed fair. Only thing the ticking clock is doing to him is giving him a nice bit of silver hair, whilst I've been put in the spin cycle.

As for reality beyond my four walls, I've been watching the ache unfold in Japan, along with the rest of the planet. I'm not going off on any end of the world discussions nor do I believe that every tragedy has a God stamp on it. (God does not use Satan to test us. If he did, that would negate His Godness. The TRUTH using the KING OF LIES to test us....sigh. Not going there) I do understand a bit about plate techtonics and the fact that our "hard" earth is actually not so hard. And it wasn't so much the shaking of the earth that became the issue - but the tsunamis caused by the earthquake. My biggest prayer is that the Japanese are able to get the nuclear reactors under control. Infrastructure is a powerful thing - until its damaged and then we humans have trouble. It just makes my heart ache to see any devestation...anywhere....because I am a human too...nuff said.

And so - I've got my little Hints on ancestry down another couple hundred. Ah progress. I almost wrote a poem this weekend....almost. Perhaps it will continue to percolate...


Thursday, March 10, 2011

Weird Stuff My Brain Thinks About

Yes, I'm back. Yes - I should post something brilliant...but if you know me, you know this is just a warm up blog. The brilliance must be exhumed at some later point to be determined by those who currently slumber in my cortex...

Why did I have a dream about a blue dog the other night? And why did I consider a blue dog completely normal?

Why did I dream I was discussing the absurdity of multiple bladed razors with my spawn. "Introducing the Schick 50 BLADE razor! You'll never need to shave again. Recommended by plastic surgeons everywhere...." And why DO I shave my armpits? Not like anyone ever gets near enough to say - Ooh, Tam - you're gettin' a bit earthy, Sis. Time for a shearin'.

Why is my son flunking German this quarter when he had a B last quarter? Why is he thinking he's allergic to chlorine? Why did I get gypped out of swimming in PE when I was in HS........which takes the brain off on a OH GOOD LORD IF YOU HAD TO HAUL OUT THE SWIMSUIT NOW - fest. There isn't enough spandex on the PLANET! Sigh.

And why when I tell a copeep about the benefits of magnesium minimizing palpitations - no sooner do I say 'I've not had any in weeks" I get them three days running. I want to reach in my chest, grab my errant ticker and say "ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

And finally, why when I secretly commit to getting back on the eating right lifestyle kick, the hub brings home a twelver of Killians.

Sometimes I wonder about all the little voices in my head clamoring for brainbandwidth. Most of them are just....stupid.

Suffice it to say, I'm tired today. Its wednesday and after two days of office stuff, my big girl drawa's are ridin a bit tight. I want to toss them over the clothesline and run through the sprinkler. I want to giggle. I want to sing out loud with the radio...and play air instruments. (now there's a mental picture)

Instead, I'll eat my apple, drink my big honkin' glass of water and attempt to churn out massive paper today. Just what the world needs. Another balanced ledger. Another manifesto on protocols and procedures. Yeah....

Somewhere....there's a beach with pristine sand and gentle surf...floral air and blue skies...(don't tell me to download webshots....seriously?)