Thursday, July 19, 2012

I'm at an Impasse

What if you woke up tomorrow knowing exactly what your purpose was in life - and you were completely passionate about it? How would your life change?
I was informed by someone I deem important in my life that my "purpose" is "Still worth pursuing. Its very unique. Very special. You get it. Most people don't, but you do." Great words, yes? From someone who would have my best interests at heart or at least who would bear me no malice. Now...if only I knew what "It" is. And that is my dilemma today.
Perhaps my predecessors had it easier, so absorbed in ferreting out food and shelter they weren't afforded time to sit in that individually molded couch divet and ponder their "purpose" in life. They survived by the work of their hands, the weight of their decisions and sometimes, the law of averages. Yet here I am with my frontal lobe and my opposable thumbs and I expect some sort of validity to my life. What's my deal anyway?
Truth is, I'm a middle aged, corpulent cubicle drone with more debt than one lifespan can absorb. I'm not especially talented, my face is forgettable and my children bear more mediocre DNA than I would have wanted to give them. I am saturated in my banality as a life form. If I were to have had a purpose - I should have picked it out when I was still fresh and young and able to expend twenty years pursuing it.
I thought at one point that I would be a rock star and then I thought I might be a novelist. We're all allowed our moments of complete stupidity but the rest of my life has been somewhat accidental. I die a little inside considering that perhaps my tenure as a bean countin' desk jockey just may be my purpose but it has become my existence. I am not so deluded as to consider my current distraction with genealogy to be a "purpose" - its a diversion. It keeps me from thinking about how truly dissatisfied I am with almost every aspect of my life. Since I don't have to go out and plow fields to survive - it absorbs the time modern conventions afford me. And its more interesting than prime time TV. At least IT has a purpose if nothing more than to distract a middle aged, corpulent, cubicle drone.
So what do you think it is? What is my purpose in life? Beyond those things we all share - being a good parent, spouse, partner, minion, what is it about me that gives me validity? Why get up every morning and consume air, light...sustenance? I'm just asking the room. And to personalize it? What is YOUR purpose?
I told my son last weekend "let me be your horrible warning for a moment" and I meant it. I hope he got it, but he is still young and bedazzled by his future (and besotted with the love of a beautiful girl) He is casual with his gifts - too casual for my tastes but at this moment my post isn't about him. Its about ME. My blog. My angst. My disappointment.
Not trying to be a major downer today - I'm just looking for feedback - a bit of dialogue. And yeah, I I totally asked my Creator for clarification but since oh 2008 I've been praying to my ceiling. Either there are no answers - or I'm a bean countin' desk jockey. Lobotomized by my own free will.
So, rooms open. I'm off today. I hope to clear out several hints on ancestry. Been trolling in the deep south for a tad. My outlaw step family is related to Robert E Lee. I suppose in Viking terms - that's similar to finding THOR in your happy tree. Yup.
Peace. And seriously. What is YOUR purpose? I'm curious. I believe we're much more contented if we serve some sort of purpose. And where purpose and passion intersect? Ah. Nirvana...


Wyman Stewart said...

As a child, my goal was to be a major league baseball player. In the end, I lacked talent.

I also wanted to become a scientist. Mathematics jumped in to smack-down that goal.

As if those two goals were not lofty enough, I had a third goal. I wanted to become a published writer. (That's not looking like a hot idea either, but I have the rest of my life, I figure.)

So, don't feel alone. I will tell you more in an e-mail, not just about my failed goals, but about people who have made it and why I think they made it. It's interesting and I think it begins in childhood! YOU MAY BE YOUNG ENOUGH TO HAVE HOPE!

TL Boehm said...

thank you Wyman!