Monday, August 20, 2012

New Day, New Do

Or is that "doo" - Probably the latter.

So after a week long multiply induced sabbatical from blogging wherein I moved two years of my virtual life into other site storage I think I am caught up, refocused and recommitted to spilling my entrails along the sparkly bandwidth. I suppose the pending shutdown should be seen in a positive light as it forced me to clean my virtual home and consider what my priorities were. Am I a blogger, writer, or just a frazzled drone wannabe looking for a place to dump my toxic waste of the day? Probably I am a mix of all those things and a few more unsavory bits.

For those of you new to me - last year I was dealing with some obnoxious anxiety/anger type symptoms and try as I might, my doctor did not agree that my "issues" were hormone based and told me to consider counseling. I did so as a last resort, being the Viking that I am I usually don't "do" cuddly feely time and I just wanted the raging headaches, and the heart thumping out of my chest to go away. I figured the deep desire to throttle coworkers, poopin' cats and wayward family members would abate with the right mix of nacho cheese and hoppy brew - but the heart palpitations and migraines were cramping my style.

I've been seeing a counselor for a year now and so far she's actually surprised that with the level of chaos in my life over the past several years - coupled with my upbringing that I am as well adjusted as I am. I take no medication and after losing a few pounds the palpitations are easing. She thinks that perhaps my doctor is a bit off in testing as my symptoms do sound hormonal or at least hormones are giving them a nice frosty topping.

I remember early on telling her that it sucked that I had to pay 25.00 an hour for someone to say nice things to me. (Again, I don't "do" people, sigh) but she actually is committed to assisting me deal with those things in my life that are both long term and difficult. So I decided to bring in an excerpt from a novel I am writing. When I spoke with her on Friday she looked at me and said. "Now I get it. I understand you. How can you go to that day job and do that line of work all day with all this going on in your head. You have a whole world created. It must be so difficult."


Truth is. I have always been a responsible person. I've been in the workforce since I was about 16 and I have always tried to do a "Good job." I've never been fired for cause. (Been laid off a few times) and I've been at the same company for 10 years. But at my squishy core - I am a writer. I have eight different novels in various stages of completion and at the end of a 50 hour work week, and a family - there isn't much time for the novels that are bursting out of my brain. And if I think about things like - we all should be doing what we are designed to do - I know I am a writer before I am an accountant.

So yeah. Sometimes I get a toxic ball of phlegm in my craw. It happens. But my dad used to tell me when I was stopped in the middle of my tracks like a turned over turtle - "DO SOMETHING. EVEN IF ITS WRONG" - so - I'm a blogger. I enjoy blogging. It is a valid form of writing. I just think its appropriate for the blog to serve more purpose than a virtual raw sewage containment receptacle. So I'm going to work on that. My last blog was full of "excremental posts" and there's only so much fertilizer a garden can accomodate before you start to burn the tender leaves. Capiche?

I think I'm happy about a new start. Change is a good thing. Yes. Peace.