Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I am weary...

Today I am weary. Weary of attempting to feign that elusive panacea known as "joy." Weary of the shallow platitudes of fair weather friends. Weary of the social media pseudo-intellectual slug fest. I am tired at my core of so many things.

I ponder my very existence and find myself unworthy. Perhaps it is true, that whisper in the back of my brain that reminds me my parents should never have reproduced. What am I anyway but the summation of generations of self centered hominids who were at best "casual with their offspring" and at worst predators of unsuspecting souls. Its not about the metaphor or the drama. The simple truth is: I don't have much to offer and I know it. While we feed our stunted consciences with Dove girl commercials and pre Holiday kitschy feelgoodness the spoils still go to the beautiful, the financially wealthy, the strong, the talented and the shocking. Those of us grizzled, paunchy, paycheck to paycheck bottom feeders are left to roil and whimper in the sludge of "humanity" And that's where I am today.

Life is cruel. It is never about fairness or equitable treatment. It is conquest at its most brutal. Age is a disease and wisdom without muscle or money is a laughable affliction. I am dead center mediocrity and for all my pretty little dreams there is no sustenance without suffering. I am a limited creature with limited influence and a limited span of time in which to eek out my existence on this rock.

So what do I do with this epiphany? What happens every morning when my husband kisses me good bye and sets off to a day of physical labor that was never his hope for a life and I face the breaking daylight with that aching dread, knowing I am on repeat, repeat, repeat...Perhaps the resident feline found a new place to leave her stomach contents in whatever process of digestion they exited from her small furry body. Perhaps something else will break, the phone will ring, my mouth will open in a feeble attempt to regain order in my world and I will harm, offend or simply dismiss another soul from my diminishing circle. I am beyond that day dream of "Deus ex machina." At this point, my only option is to continue. To move forward, picking my way through the broken, the lack, and to pray that at some point my Creator will validate me because I am so useless to those I love the most.

I understand why so many of my predecessors chose to dismiss each other. Cruelty is innate. Love is learned. Disdain for your own species can be raised to an art that compels your fellow creatures to flock to you like flies to a corpse. Love terrifies because it offers no merit for selfishness. No justification for bad behavior. Because I crave the very thing I cannot have, because I try to offer it to those who will not return it, I am shunned. Like every other fiber in my body - the love I offer is imperfect.

Its not my nature to sit back on my haunches and give up and I truly no longer have the instinct or the stomach to do anyone real harm. I'm just weary of my own ineptitude and I desperately want real, human comfort from someone who doesn't have an agenda. I know there are humans on the planet capable of carrying the light of God within themselves. I only hope I meet one someday. I am only worthless because the selective myopia of those who set their eyes on me cannot see the light of God within me - because if someone, anyone put a hand in the circle of it to warm themselves for even a moment - I know I could go supernova instead of freezing in the sputter of this itty bitty spark...

Stop treating those around you like they are disposable. If you continue do be so casual with your "offspring" - they will come to believe that they are indeed the throw away kids you have encouraged them to be.